too much & not enough

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Welcome back to My Intangible Cage series. I really can’t tell you how much I love hearing your feedback from last week’s post. We are on week 3 of this fear series. And today I’m gonna get real vulnerable. Ray LaMontagne is in the background ( well not him, but his music) and that always helps. This whole series has actually been vulnerable, but this particular fear is especially embarrassing for me. It is a fear I have dealt with almost all my adult life. I am afraid of being too much & not enough.

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I am afraid I am too much to handle. I am afraid I am overbearing and my laugh may be annoying. I am afraid I will talk too much or make a joke at the wrong time. I am afraid my issues will be too heavy or my friends will get tired of my problems. What if people grow weary of dealing with my insecurities? I am afraid that my ambitions will be too big and my personality overwhelming. Sometimes I get off the phone and cringe at how strong I came across. What if people  smile and are nice, but are secretly relieved when I walk away? I wish that I could be cute & sweet. But I’m not very good at that. I always end up being intense. I am afraid that people will get tired of me.

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I am afraid that I am not enough. I am afraid that I will disappoint people or be a dud. What if people expect something amazing and I don’t deliver? What if I am the wallflower at the party and get written off as boring? What if I have nothing to add to a conversation & offer no value to an idea? Sometimes I leave a meeting thinking through the things I wish I had said but was too scared to. I am afraid that I will be underwhelming. The girl everyone likes but no one needs. I am afraid that there is nothing significant or memorable about me.

And so, I binge back & forth between “too much” and “not enough”. When I feel overwhelming, I gear down. Soon I am afraid I have backed off too much. Time to jump back in the game. I evaluate my environment to see where I am on the pendulum. I am constantly battling this tension…back & forth I go. Overcompensating for my percieved “too muchness” or “not enoughness”. Can’t come across too strong or too weak…because I am afraid of who I am. 

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The truth is I will never get it just right. Because I am not supposed to. I have flaws. Sometimes I am too much for some people and sometimes I am not enough for others. But so what? Fear robs me of truly sharing my life with others. My friends & family do want to walk with me even through my “too much” days. And they never look at me and see “not enough”. Your friends & family don’t either.

Most importantly, God says we are just right. We are fearfully & wonderfully made. Designed with a specific purpose and a divine composition to accomplish that purpose. He isn’t annoyed with our dreams, hopes, insecurities and weaknesses.

It is time to stop being afraid of who we are & who we are not. I’m going to try to embrace who I am and stop worrying about being intimidating. It is time to silence the voices & lies that accuse us of being “too much” and “not enough”. Time to be bold in the way we accept ourselves. Are you in???

 We won’t be perfect, but we will be honest. God can handle us. He can handle all of us.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “too much & not enough

  1. Yvonne Weathersby

    Wow this is so powerful! I love your vulnerability and how relevant this is to me! It reminded me of a couple of verses in Isaiah. “Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion. Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land, Everlasting joy will be theirs. ” Isaiah 61: 7
    “….. Because they are the offspring whom the Lord has blessed.” Isaiah 61:9
    God can not only handle all of us, but He wants to!

  2. amen. how amazing is it that the Lord uses flawed people like us?!!? and what is even best is that we are created in HIS image. His beautiful and perfect image! He is transforming and redeeming us each day to be more and more like Him! be you. you are the only you He created. and sometimes people need a little much! 😉 a loud laugh makes everyone laugh – you are that blessing to the world!!!!

    proud of you for claiming your identity and running from fear! i love zephaniah 3:17
    the lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save.He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you will His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.

    His deep love for you will calm and quiet those fears. seek Him. run to Him. live through Him. and let Him quiet you with His love!

  3. Mom

    “We are fearfully and wonderfully made.” How significant that you should quote that verse. It’s the verse God gave me when i was pregnant with you and it hung over your crib.
    God make us to His exact specifications. We’re not too much, we’re not too little. We’re exactly what He wants and when He sees us using the gifts & talents He’s given us, He smiles.

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  5. I feel exactly like your post. Thank you for sharing that .

  6. I read this and immediately thought, “Doesn’t everyone feel this way?” Over the years, I have identified this exact system at work within myself of fearing both being not enough and too much, sometimes even at the same time, however that is possible! Thanks for putting words and truth to this common human experience 🙂

  7. I am so moved by this post. Thank you for being beautiful you.

  8. I think there’s something so refreshing about seeing someone who seems incredibly secure be vulnerable about her insecurities. Thanks for being vulnerable so you can be an encouragement.

    Separately, a few years ago I was talking to God about lack (I can’t remember if it was mine or someone else’s). God said something that was a game-changer for me: “I take up the slack”. So when I don’t have enough to love someone as deeply as they need to be loved, He takes up the slack. When I don’t have time to invest as much as I want, He takes up the slack. He also reminded me that the person of enough, of eternal joy and peace, lives inside me. So when I don’t have enough, the Holy Spirit kicks in. So maybe, just maybe, it is to others’ benefit when we “aren’t enough”. Thanks for sharing!

  9. love your raw emotions and so identify with the too much aaaaaand not enough. when i am me….things can get crazy. when i pull back….people ask me if i’m feeling well. just the reminder that Jesus loves me and thinks i’m just right was what i needed today. thanks for your words written here for me to discover on this stormy day. . thanks for being you –all of you–here on this blog. you are a treasure!

  10. AJ

    Oh my goodness I feel like you just hopped in my brain and wrote it all out. Thank you SO much, I learned a ton reading this.

  11. Staci

    On days that I don’t walk in the spirit I can be pretty heavy to handle, even for myself. A scripture that helped so much was Galatians 5:16 which says:

    “So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.”

    The days that I ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit and to walk by the Spirit are such great days. Things go as they should and I do and respond in a God pleasing manner. He HELPS me to be like Him. On the days I don’t it can be less than glamorous. I have ADD and my brain, and mouth, can get pretty hamster wheel-ish.

    Love what the poster above said about God taking up the slack. Will think about that.

  12. Pingback: You Just Have To Keep Breathing | Lark & Bloom

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