Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

Sometimes late at night, this is what I know.

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This blog is not serving it’s purpose if I am ever anything but honest.  Many of your lives are different from mine – politically, romantically, geographically and in our religious views. I really enjoy that about this space and try to mindful of that every time I sit down to type.

This isn’t a “Christian” blog but there are moments when I have to be honest about my faith. Because it is my story. My rock.

I’ve shared pretty openly on here my struggle with fear. Perhaps it sounds silly and even embarassing to admit sometimes. Hey, guess what? I don’t have it all together. I am neither impressive nor perfect.

But, I’m not alone. Seems to me that fear is something all too familiar across humanity. The dread and inexplicable heaviness of a million possibilities. Our imaginations at their worst.

These past few days I have had to really fight this one out. I found out some information that sent me into an internal tailspin. A health risk I just became aware of. I googled all about it. (By the way, NEVER EVER Google anything unless you want to get totally freaked out. Maybe state capitols are okay, but nothing else.).

And Google gave me all kinds of information and stories. Mind you these are rare cases, but each one brought new weight. I added up statistics. There is a .5% chance that we would have this health issue.

Logic would point out that we have a 99.5% chance of NOT having it, but fear rubs the .5% in my face. All I could imagine was that .5%. What it would feel like or how it would happen?

My life is surrounded by a million things to be fearful of. Adoption issues, finances, health, is Russia going to annex Texas next? So many things…

Honestly, I don’t usually let these things bother me. However there are days when I have my guard down and begin to let my mind wonder in all the wrong ways.

Tonight it got to be more than I could take. I went into my bathroom and prayed. I told God that I was not leaving until I felt His presence. I was not getting out until I’d heard Jesus speak to me about this. No, I’m not talking about anything weird or crazy. It’s more an unexplainable peace and calm. Words that run through my mind, but they are not my own thoughts. A sense of Him with me.

I stood there. Nothing. I stood longer. Even longer. Still nothing but me and cold bathroom tiles.

Then, without any warning I began to cry. Not a single tear down the face. A deep, bellowing kind of cry that  told of the things I’d been carrying for so long. This wasn’t about the .5%, it was about something much deeper. I leaned on the wall and sobbed. I couldn’t hold it in if I tried. The poison had to come out. All of it. So I cried some more.

Then came the voice I so desperately needed to hear. More like a whisper rolling through my mind. ” It’s okay baby girl. Lean on me and let’s cry it out“. I lost it. Rolling through my mind was every scene I dreaded, every conversation that haunted me and possibility of “what if” that froze my joy. And out of my soul came the deepest sobs.

How long I stood there with my hot tears I don’t know. I didn’t care. Over and over in my mind I heard “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got this. Don’t worry baby girl…”.

Time seemed to stand still as my tears dried up. I felt my spirit stretching again – fear had shoved it in the corner for far too long. I recalled all the promises I believe that God has given me along my journey and chose to trust that the One who made the promise is the One who keeps the promise.

I don’t know all of your stories or what has bullied you into a corner. Maybe its fear like me. Maybe an abusive history, depression, loneliness, deep insecurity or a relationship on the brink. I don’t know what corner you are in or how long its been your home.

Thing is, everyone I know has a corner but no one belongs there.

Sometimes on nights like tonight we need to stop dragging around the shadow of our bully. We’ve got to look it in the eyes, see it for all it is and then slowly -through our tears- smile. Cause we remember that corners are too small for us. No matter how big or ugly this bully is, it’s no match for our Maker. He didn’t make us for corners.

Whether the pain is reality or something that taunts us from a million “what if’s”, we weren’t made to be controlled by it.

Go ahead. Let the tears come and get the poison out.

There is something in us that needs to shout that we are alive and we aren’t giving up. We won’t be put in our corners any longer. —> click to tweet

Interestingly enough, Passover begins tonight. It is the holiday which celebrates when God brought His people out of  3,000 years of captivity. Thankfully, He has never stopped setting His people free. 

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15 Comments

Filed under Faith, My Intangible Cage, something bigger, Uncategorized

15 responses to “Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

  1. Susan

    Within the past year when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with a disease I knew I was at risk for that I have been dreading for quite some time. I was devastated. The Lord led me through that horrible first few days and as I began to learn about my prognosis and develop plans to manage it, I realized that the discipline required by this disease was beginning to free me in ways that might not be possible otherwise. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I thank God for leading me through that dark place and into the light of his freedom. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to go back to the way things were before. This is my story.

    • Wow, Susan. That is such a great perspective. Its amazing how God can meet us in the most painful places – so much so that we never want to go back. Sounds like you have had a powerful journey friend.

  2. So true; we all struggle with some level of fear. Grateful that God is always there to remind us that He never gave us a spirit of fear. That overwhelming peace and sense of His presence is the best feeling. I’ve had many soul bellowing cries on the floor of my bathroom too. Thanks for sharing your heart.

  3. Sheree Griffin

    You.have.no.idea! I can’t let the tears flow right this moment, but labeling it as the “poison” that it is has helped me release so much this morning. Fear of failing my 2 children as a single parent that really is alone in this parenting venture (their father checked-out). And then some well-meaning, Christian “friends” want to beat me up over how I choose to raise my son who has a disorder that few understand because it manifests in ways that truly look like I’m just not parenting him and “making him obey the rules”. Thank you for being real because sometimes when I sit here looking at a screen with pretty pictures, it seems like everyone has it all together except me.

    • Sheree, don’t you worry girl. None of us have it together! I feel like parenting brings out so many fears in all of us – I can’t imagine how much more with your situation. But, you are the best mom for those kids and Gods got your back.

  4. Lolly

    A wise man once told me, “God gives grace for what “is”, not for “what possibly might be.” Yet how often do I let the “what if’s” control me! Yes, we need to look our bully in the eye & stare it down, because it’s no match for our Maker. I love that! Thanks for posting.

  5. I really love your approach to faith. I don’t identify as Christian but your writing about faith always resonates with me – it is honest and true and universal, whatever spirtual road you are hiking on.

  6. Amen! Thanks for being vulnerable. I realize every day I don’t take a considerable chunk of time to pray, I feel off and feel the weight of my sin struggling to just end the day in a calm manner.

  7. I really like your faith statement and your writing style and I would like permission to reblog this on my site: reginaquinn10.wordpress.com. I look forward to reading more!

  8. kristalo2013

    Thank you for this. I’ve gone thru a rough few years and feel like fear lies to me these days, making me feel small, overwhelmed, without hope of a good future. I began meeting with a counselor in December which helps-a place to pour out my real fears without judgment (this helps me let go of shame and heal). Yesterday I was feeling so alone in this- as though ‘everyone else’ has somehow found a way to do life gracefully. I really needed to hear that I am not alone.

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