too much and still not enough

This is for those days and nights when we just aren’t sure we are getting it quite right. When we aren’t sure we are quite right.

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I am afraid I am too much to handle. I am afraid I am overbearing and my laugh may be annoying. I am afraid I will talk too much or make a joke at the wrong time. I am afraid my issues will be too heavy or my friends will get tired of my problems. What if people grow weary of dealing with my insecurities? I am afraid that my ambitions will be too big and my personality overwhelming. Sometimes I get off the phone and cringe at how strong I came across. What if people  smile and are nice, but are secretly relieved when I walk away? I wish that I could be cute & sweet. But I’m not very good at that. I always end up being intense. I am afraid that people will get tired of me.

I am afraid that I am not enough. I am afraid that I will disappoint people or be a dud. What if people expect something amazing and I don’t deliver? What if I am the wallflower at the party and get written off as boring? What if I have nothing to add to a conversation & offer no value to an idea? Sometimes I leave a meeting thinking through the things I wish I had said but was too scared to. I am afraid that I will be underwhelming. The girl everyone likes but no one needs. I am afraid that there is nothing significant or memorable about me.

And so, I binge back & forth between “too much” and “not enough”. When I feel overwhelming, I gear down. Soon I am afraid I have backed off too much. Time to jump back in the game. I evaluate my environment to see where I am on the pendulum. I am constantly battling this tension…back & forth I go. Overcompensating for my percieved “too muchness” or “not enoughness”.

Can’t come across too strong or too weak…because I am afraid of who I am.

The truth is I will never get it just right. Because I am not supposed to. I have flaws. Sometimes I am too much for some people and sometimes I am not enough for others. But so what? Fear robs me of truly sharing my life with others. My friends & family do want to walk with me even through my “too much” days. And they never look at me and see “not enough”. Your friends & family don’t either.

Most importantly, God says we are just right. We are fearfully & wonderfully made. Designed with a specific purpose and a divine composition to accomplish that purpose. He isn’t annoyed with our dreams, hopes, insecurities and weaknesses.

It is time to stop being afraid of who we are & who we are not. I’m going to try to embrace who I am and stop worrying about being intimidating. It is time to silence the voices & lies that accuse us of being “too much” and “not enough”. Time to be bold in the way we accept ourselves. Are you in?

 We won’t be perfect, but we will be honest. God can handle us. He can handle all of us.

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16 Comments

Filed under Faith, Uncategorized

16 responses to “too much and still not enough

  1. Just remember how Casting Crowns’ song chorus goes:
    “…But the voice of truth tells me a different story
    And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
    And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth…”

  2. Oh, this is good. This was better than my coffee & bagel this morning.

  3. I love this. Reading your posts makes me feel like we are the same person, because we definitely face some of the same internal struggles. I think that you are wonderful as you are, and you are such a wonderful role model.

    XX, SS || A Little Seersucker Sass

  4. This is awesome! Amen amen amen!!! I love it! I wrote something about this exact same thing a few months ago! https://peachesandpies.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/enough/

    Great minds think alike!! 🙂

  5. You nailed that tension right on the head. Thanks for putting it into words. Consider your blog added to my Feedly 🙂

  6. Oh man. This is great. We just moved back to my hometown. So I’m in the middle of rebuilding community with friends and family that I have not lived near for at least ten years. And I realize how much more I am fearing the “not enough/too much” dilemma here.

  7. Every weed I leave our small group of friends and … ” I binge back & forth between “too much” and “not enough”. EXACTLY!
    Thanks for being honest. For sharing so beautifully what so many feel and encouraging us to be bold and accept ourselves.

  8. Reblogged this on oeteniale and commented:
    truth is… i’m afraid. but God can handle me. He can handle us.

  9. Erin Salmon

    Right there with you, my friend. Hugging you tight.

  10. Reblogged this on ninaskiddo's Blog and commented:
    This is exactly how I feel and what it would looked like when I put it into words!!!

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