Category Archives: Funny

fight the pirates

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I spent the past week in Washington, DC. Perhaps you noticed  the complete lack of blog posts last week? Apparently I am technologically impaired and didn’t schedule my blog the right way. Got home to find that none of them posted while I was away. Whoops.

One afternoon I was looking for a gift for my son in the Smithsonian gift shop. I came across an entire display of information about pirates. Books about the pirates that once plagued our coast, puzzles, pens & numerous other trinkets.

Gosh, I thought. I’m so glad they got rid of the pirates. I just don’t think I would have done so well in the days of treasure and canons. Although, the costumes in “Pirates of the Caribbean” were neat. Other than that, I can’t see any benefit of living in that time period.

The pirate paraphernalia brought to mind a slew of movies. The good guys always hiding from the pirates, going to the other side of the island to avoid detection, trying to outrun them… But in the end they all had to come face to face with the ragtag lot. They had to fight to pirates.

Somewhere among the replicas of the Constitution and oversized pencils I came to this conclusion: We still have to fight the pirates.

We still have things that are trying to rob us. We avoid them, try to outrun them or hide out waiting for them to leave us alone. The hard conversations, the confessions, the difficult decisions that must be made…we put them off hoping to escape. But they always find us. They are always waiting on the other side of the island.

I stood deep in thought amidst the flood of 8th graders on field trips. My mind rolled through all the little things that were robbing me from peace and truly moving on in certain areas. Most of them single conversations needing to be had and pesky habits. I thought about all the tactics I used to get around having to deal with them. My avoidance was costing me greatly in time and energy.

Right around the Lincoln Memorial snow globes I decided what I needed to do. I needed to fight the pirates.

I am telling you this story because I am guessing some of you are like me. You are trying to avoid the little robbers that take your peace, rest and ability to focus on the next thing. In the mean time you deplete your internal resources just trying to avoid the confrontation.

Lets learn a lesson from the movies people. No matter how hard we try, if we want the freedom to live the lives we want, we have to confront the robbers. No more beating around the bush.

Fight the pirates, people. Fight the pirates.

 

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Filed under Funny, Lifestyle, My Life Thus Far

I’m Fired

*** I am currently out of town for spring break. So, this week I am pulling posts from the archives. Enjoy! ***


What I am about to say, I say without shame. Cast your judgements if you must, but I can not deny it. I LOVE reality shows. I do, I can’t help it. Not the ones about Housewives who have WAY too much time on their hands or the Bachelor. Those are completely stupid. Top Chef, Shark Tank, Chopped, America’s Next Great Restaurant, Biggest Loser…I love them. I also like The Apprentice.

Thanks to hulu I can watch them while I fold laundry at night or clean the house during the kid’s nap. The other night I was watching The Apprentice and thinking to myself “If they gave me that task, I would completely get fired.” Later that night I was having trouble going to sleep. So, I whittled the time away laying in bed and thinking about the jobs I would most likely get fired from. Most of these on my first day.

1. Waitress. I would be a horrible waitress. I’d be the one who stops to chat at the tables and forgets the other people at my other tables. My trays would spill regularly because balance isn’t my strong suit. I hate to admit this, but I know that I would zone out when people tell me their orders. I’d probably be thinking about something else, get back to the kitchen and realize I don’t remember what they said. So, I would just end up sitting back down at the table of friendly elderly people and avoid my other tables again.

2. Engineer. Any kind of engineer. Not only does my mind refuse to work in this way or at this capacity, whatever I worked on would be a safety hazard. If I designed anything, national security levels would be elevated. My planes would crash, my bridges would collapse and my computers would explode in people’s faces. I would in fact, destroy America.

3. Personal Trainer. Ha! I can’t even get my mind around this one. Not only do I not work out regularly, I haven’t a clue how to use the equipment. I’d get a cute outfit , wear a whistle around my neck and drink lots of water. Thats about it. People would be bench-pressing treadmills if I were in charge. I would be useless at spotting while people did weight training because I am a weakling and can barely pick up the bar. This means smashed faces and ambulance rides. I don’t see that working in my favor.

4. Weatherman. Yes, I am a woman, but “weatherwoman” sounds stupid so I am saying “weatherman”. It looks like a fun job and I could bob my hair and put on a blazer…that’s a good look for anyone. I just have a feeling that I wouldn’t figure out how to point to the right place when it’s just a green screen behind me. I’d point north instead of south on a accident. Then people in the north would think tornadoes were headed for them & take cover for no reason. People in the south would think they were clear of storms and get swept away when they went out for coffee…It’s not a good idea.

5. Archeologist. I wear contacts so this is automatically out. Too much dust floating around. Plus, I don’t think I would have the patience. I’d just yank things out of the ground instead of slowly brushing the dirt away. It would just be too slow paced. The one exception is if I did it Indiana Jones style. He was a professor (which I think I would be good at) that went on fun archeological adventures…and I don’t think Nazis can get in your contacts…

I did eventually fall asleep…

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sunday kind of love: Africa for Norway

Well played Africa. Well played.

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March 10, 2013 · 8:00 am

How I Survive Doomsdays & The End of The World

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Don’t worry. It is juice not alcohol in the glasses.

This is me the night the world was suppossed to end. Remember Y2K? I was a senior in high shool, and I heard months of build up about the impending disaster that would send the whole world into chaos and ultimately an unavoidable doom.

Some of my friends actually stopped studying because they were convinced that the Internet would combust and all their scores would be lost. No, I’m not joking.

Other friends stockpiled water and hosted prayer meetings on New Years Eve. No, I’m not joking.

I actually knew a family that had backpacks packed for each family member with survival items. They also buried supplies around their land so that over time when their supplies depleted they had secret stashes that no one knew about. No, I’m not joking.

New Years Eve (aka the predicted last night of a civilized earth) started with my hitting a deer. Actually, the deer hit me. Honestly, he ran full speed into the side of my moving car. That was the closest I came to being hit by a freak asteroid on Y2K. Except the deer died, not me. The rest of the night was spent hanging out at my friend Lauren’s house. If you are going to enter into a freak Internet meltdown Armageddon you might as well be with friends, right? Unless you are Liv Tyler, then you spend your Armageddon with Ben Affleck.

I survived Y2k so what’s my plan for surviving this Mayan doomsday? I’m gonna wake up on Saturday morning. Just like any other day. That is my plan.

Some of you wonder if the world really is ending. With the decline of education and the rise of Honey Boo Boo and all…

No, seriously. There is some rough stuff going on in the world and maybe you found this post looking for answers. I can’t tell you when the world will end, but I can tell you how to find peace instead of anxiety amidst it all. Jesus.

He gives a peace that mankind longs for and a destiny that speaks to the aching of our souls. Good thing for you, He works nights. So if you are laying awake tonight wondering what tomorrow holds…I suggest you talk to Him about it. He promises to answer.

 

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Filed under Faith, Funny, My Life Thus Far

Sunday Kind Of Love : My Team Jersey

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via Lovocracy

Today’s Sunday Kind of Love is this amazing t-shirt. For those who are punctually challenged like me, consider this our team jersey. You can grab yours over at Lovocracy. A great Christmas gift for so many people I know. Including myself. Go team!

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Questions No One Asks Me

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I’m gearing up for all the parties about to come at me this holiday season. Class parties at my kids schools, church parties, work parties…lots of parties. I am not really sure how introverts make it through the holidays. I’m an extrovert, but the amount of small talk that happens during all the holiday events is a bit taxing even for me.

Clusters of people standing around asking questions and getting to know each other. Networking & connecting over fruitcakes and cider. Over the years I have noticed there are some questions that no one ever asks me. The following are questions I regularly hear asked to others…but never me:

1. Did you make that? I hear this asked to other moms regularly. Their beaded necklace, their felt headband, their daughter’s dress…never me. No one ever asks if I made anything I ever wear.

2. Can I tweet that? Honestly, I hear this multiple times a week. Someone says something profound or funny and is asked if they mind being quoted on social media. I never get asked that, but for the record you are free to ‘tweet’ me.

3. Did you see the game? Guess I don’t look like a sports fan. I’m glad I get left out of these conversations because I would have to have them clarify which game. Then they would tell me the teams & I still wouldn’t even know what sport we are talking about.

4. Just get back from vacation? You look so tan and refreshed! I heard this question at my daughter’s school the other day between some moms. This has never been asked of me. Ever. First, I never look tan. Even if I did just get back from vacation. Second, I haven’t looked refreshed since my oldest was born six years ago.

5. Want to train for a marathon with us? My social circles have big problems. They all enjoy running. I could fill up all my fingers if I counted the times I’ve overheard this question in the past year. Not once was I asked. Kinda offended. Kinda relieved.

6. Can you take our picture? This is funny to me. I am not a horrible picture taker & am a bit stumped as to why I am never asked to take a picture for someeone. Always, without fail, the people will ask the person standing next to me to do the honors.

Those are just six of the questions I am never asked. I am sure there are more. What questions are you never asked? I’d love to know!

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December 12, 2012 · 4:46 pm

Sunday Kind Of Love: Hipster Thanksgiving.

A Sunday Kind Of Love

It’s Sunday & time to share something I love. This video has been quite the joy to me this week. The first scene is my favorite. What do you think? Do you love it too?

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November 25, 2012 · 9:11 pm