Monthly Archives: September 2011
- Ignore the pile of paper. I could sort through it, but then I would have a ‘recycle paper’ pile, a ‘file it’ pile, a ‘respond’ pile…If I ignore the pile then there is only one pile. If I sort it then I end up with three separate piles, which I will end up ignoring…
- Ignore the plants. If you know me well, you know that I will forget to water them. Or I will water them to much or too little. So, I will just ignore them and let nature take its course.
- Ignore glass surfaces. This drives my husband nuts. I will drive with a filthy windshield and not notice, have smudges larger than my eyeballs on my glasses & not see them. I just don’t notice, so I will stop trying.
- Ignore the other pile of…uh, what is that? I have no idea what that is… Just push it into the corner…
- Ignore dry cleaning labels. I am sure that I am ruining my clothes, but I can’t afford dry cleaning. So, I take my chances.
- Ignore the plants some more.
- Ignore updates for my iPhone. This also drives my husband nuts. I will go months without updating or backing up my phone. Once I had to take my phone in because it wasn’t working well. “Oh hi mac-store-man! What? When was the last time I updated my phone? Ugh…about 9 months ago…” This confession was followed by feelings of embarrassment and guilt, which I immediately ignored.
Times of transition promote reflection for me. I not only reflect on the things I am leaving behind me, but also the things I see ahead of me…or want to see ahead of me. I love dreaming and imagining the possibilities, but sometimes it churns up things I wish stayed under the surface.
I find myself feeling entitled. As if I have a right to something. I jotted down a list of things I often feel I have a right to:
* owning a home
* having a comfortable amount of savings
* my kids attending the very best schools
* increase in my areas of influence without ever returning to a ‘hidden’ season
* taking fabulous vacations…every year. ( Europe preferably )
* to be asked with genuine sincerity “How are you doing?”, “What do you think?” or “Can I help
* I think I have a right to make more money than I did last year
* to be the very best at something
* to be acknowledged and sought after
* to be understood
The list can go on…But, I have no rights. I have only grace. A Grace that holds me in my insecure moments. A Grace that takes me to the heights I could never reach on my own. A Grace that loves me when I am ridiculous and throw an internal fit over the list I mentioned above. A Grace that ignores all my lack of qualifications and risks on me regardless. A Grace that sees potential and not problems.
I do not have rights. I have Grace. And I will take that over rights any day.
|Here I am reading my paper while we were stuck on the side of the road.|
Reflection was my primary companion as I drove hours alone. Thinking that I never in my life imagined myself moving from southern California to Texas. Mostly because I never pictured myself living in California, nor ever returning to Texas aside from Christmas time visits. Funny how life plays out sometimes.
Few things compare with the experience of home. The truth of belonging to a place. I’m writing this from the room I grew up in. While we are looking for a house, we are staying with my parents. I’m in my old bedroom. This is where I was brought home from the hospital. I remember being small enough to do cartwheels from corner to corner of this bedroom. I decided to give my heart to Jesus here. Laughed. Played with many friends. Doesn’t seem that long ago that I packed this room up when we moved to Russia…or when I returned two years later and unpacked a different life from my bags. I cried in the confines of these four walls when I felt rejected from the cool girls in 8th grade…Fast forward long phone calls with friends, writing at my desk journals of thoughts and dreams…Getting ready for college. I slept on this very bed the night before my wedding thinking about where the little girl who used to live here went.
This space, small and humble, is mine. From newborn to mother of two I continue to return. Each time I bring a new set of dreams and increase the breadth of memories. Home. Belonging.
I know that I am unaware of the plans God has for me here. I have inklings. I have hopes. When I sit in this room ten years from now I will have so many more memories to deposit here. What will they be? It is so very unknown, but God is Good. Faithful. Generous. I am home again…and there is no place like it.
Sorry you haven’t heard from me in a while. The past week has been a whirlwind of packing & now driving to Texas. Currently I am in a Holiday Inn in Eastland, Texas. That’s right. I am back in Texas again. I have had countless hours in the car all alone driving through many terrains…and plenty of thoughts/writing topics have flowed through my head. Expect new posts in a few days…and welcome to Texas.